The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

"Dad, I'm a virgin," says Bella (Kristen Stewart) to her father Charlie (Billy Burke) in Eclipse, the third episode in the yawnfest known as The Twilight Saga. Not that there was little doubt of that fact - if there's anything predictable about these PG-13 film adaptations of Stephenie Meyer's best sellers it is that these are clean teens, no matter if they are living or undead. Sex may be ever-present, such as every time hunk-of-the-moment Taylor Lautner appears shirtless, but it is of the innocuous pin-up variety. It is clear that Bella is saving it for her wedding night when, coincidently, she'll take the plunge into the vampire world.

Isn't that, though, one in the same thing? The combination of sexuality and vampirism has long been what draws us to vampire movies. What's interesting (or not) about Eclipse is how delaying the inevitable is what drives the plot to this film, which sits midway through the series of four novels that are to be made into five films. Spoiler alert: Bella does not succumb. Instead she is torn between her attraction between Edward (Robert Pattinson), the sensitive vampire with the pasty skin and amber eyes, and Jacob (Lautner), the sensitive werewolf with the perfect tan and six-pack abs. We know this because they talk and brood about it, and then talk and brood some more. When are they going to act on their raging hormones anyway?

Set against this romantic story is a larger one involving a group of marauding vampires led by the red-headed Victoria (the lively Bryce Dallas Howard) and her boy-toy Riley (Xavier Samuel) who are terrorizing Seattle with a murderous rampage. Even that, though, is tame. If you want explicit vampire violence and sex, tune into True Blood on HBO. What you get in Eclipse (like its predecessors) is typically bloodless, which seems strange because David Slade, the film's director, achieved a level of over-the-top creepiness and carnage with his last exercise in cinematic vampire lore, 30 Days of Night. And before that showed certain panache when dealing with teen angst (well, anger) in the provocative Hard Candy. Here, though, he trades his creativity for a paycheck.

No doubt Eclipse will succeed amongst its core fans - tweens for who cheer for both Team Edward and Team Jacob with equal vigor - and win at the box office. It certainly is a canny, smoothly made construct with a sure sense of its own mythology, swoony romanticism, dreamy music, beautiful Northwest landscapes and pretty actors, It's all a bit like an Abercrombie and Fitch Halloween spread for some fashion magazine. Too bad it is so dull. Even the central battle between the good vampires (the Cullens of Forks, Washington) and the bad vampires (Rebecca and her Seattle horde) plays without much tension. The final confrontation is so efficiently edited that any hint of gore ends up on the cutting room floor. Not to seem bloodthirsty, but isn't this a vampire movie?

It is and it isn't, and it is to the degree that you find its mix of teen romance and New Age vampirism palatable will determine how much you like it. To its credit Melissa Rosenberg script manages not to take itself too seriously, even allowing the characters to poke fun at themselves. "Face it," Jacob tells Edward when Bella needs a warm body to rub against, "I'm much hotter than you." Lautner, whose acting is of the SoCal Valley Boy variety, does make that point time and again as he struts shirtless through the forest. (Isn't he concerned about tics?) He is, at least, a personable screen presence; both Pattinson and Stewart appear to be walking through their roles. He, especially, appears bored; while she lacks the charisma necessary to be the object of their - or anyone's affection. In a relatively small supporting role Dakota Fanning makes an appearance as the spokesperson for the Volturi, who are a bit like the Vatican for the vampire clans. We know who they are because they wear long, Medieval-styled hoods and talk amongst themselves in an officious manner. Fanning does smile slyly when extinguishing a wayward vampire, which makes you think there's a darker side to the larger story that's yet to be fully explored. About the only time the film comes to life is when a number of the vampires recall in flashbacks how they were initiated into the cult. They, at least, suggest the true romanticism of vampire stories, not the teen romance passed off here.

Obviously Meyers tapped into a winning formula; yet by putting sexual and violent elements at bay, Meyers (and the filmmakers) skirt the dangerous appeal inherent in vampire movies. Whether Bella keeps her virginity until her wedding night is about the only suspenseful element to be found in this slick melding of the romantic and supernatural. Who wants nice, fashionable vampires? Eclipse is safe, wholesome, even - a call for teen abstinence in vampire drag. Not that is a bad thing necessarily, but hardly the stuff of great horror movies. Give me a lurid Hammer Studio Dracula flick over this any day. At least then I'd get a chill up my spine instead of feeling a serious need for a Red Bull about midway through the movie.