The Huntsman: Winter's War

Where to start with the sequel to the kinda-successful Kristen Stewart vehicle "Snow White and the Huntsman?" While the original didn't really make a pop culture impression -- except to prove Stewart is better at being a badass than a pining gal in distress -- somehow it got a prequel/sequel and convinced Charlize Theron to come back to eat the sets, and Emily Blunt to join her for the appetizers. Oh, and Chris Hemsworth is back, too, but let's be honest; the Huntsman is the least interesting character in "The Huntsman: Winter's War."

Where Snow White defeated Theron's evil queen Ravenna in the first film, here we go back in time to show the destruction of the relationship between Ravenna and her sweet and simple sister Freya (Blunt). You see, Ravenna has always been kind of a jerk with powers, and early on she was jealous of Freya's love for a soldier who was engaged to another. But Freya (who has not developed any powers of her own) gets pregnant and has his child in secret. The two decide to run off and marry, but it's just a ruse to get Freya out of the castle so he can kill the baby and be free of his unfaithfulness.

Instantly, Freya's grief overtakes her, and her powers come to fruition in the form of ice and cold. (Pretty much exactly like Elsa from "Frozen.") Heartbroken, she eschews love of any sort, builds a castle at the outskirts of the kingdom, and proceeds to kidnap children in order to raise them into an army of "huntsmen." She considers these children her own, but any motherly instinct has been driven from her.

Two of these future warriors are Eric (Conrad Khan) and Sara (Niamh Walter), who grow up to be Chris Hemsworth and Jessica Chastain. They are Queen Freya's best, and she frequently sends them out to conquer the kings and queens of other lands so she can rule the world! But Eric and Sara have fallen in love, and because Freya has forbidden love of any kind, the two must frolic in secret. They decide they have to escape her clutches so they can be free to hold hands, smooch in public, and get it on in warm springs without fear of death. But their escape is thwarted, and tragedy occurs.

Here the film jumps seven years to a point after "Snow White and the Hunstman," where Ravenna is now dead and Eric is tasked with finding Ravenna's magic mirror before Freya can. This becomes the MacGuffin of sorts, as it starts a Joseph Campbell-esque journey through the forests and fields of Snow White's kingdom, where Eric meets up with dwarves and goblins and has a run of mini-adventures. All of this is in preparation for a showdown between Queens and Huntsmen and lovers old and new. I'm purposely being vague, so as to not ruin any surprises, but for anyone who has seen any sort of mythological movie or story before, nothing in "Winter's War" will come as a surprise.

Which is the problem.

"Winter's War" starts out promisingly enough. It has a lovely fairy tale quality, and it looks gorgeous. With actors as good as Emily Blunt and Charlize Theron, you feel like you are in good hands, and for the most part you are. But if you think back to the first trailer for the film, there was a little bit of a feeling that you were watching a "Saturday Night Live" spoof. As soon as Jessica Chastain shows up as a leather-clad super-serious warrior, things seem sort of silly. And while the costumes by Colleen Atwood are gorgeous, it feels odd to see people like Blunt in them. It's like all of these great actors are playing dress up because someone said they had to perform at a rich kid's birthday party.

That said, Blunt is the only actor here who comes out unscathed. Her Freya is a layered character that actually could have been written even more deeply. But she brings a gravitas to the role that other actors might not have been able to make believable. Theron does the same shtick she did in the last installment, where she looks stunning but just speaks slowly and deeply and widens her eyes a lot.

Hemsworth is -- unfortunately -- continuing to prove he is a pretty face who can act, but for some weird reason he is just not a movie star. Aside from "Thor," I can't recall one movie that made him stand out as a memorable character. Here, it's much of the same. He ably plays the part (except for mumbling through a confused accent), but his role is completely bland and forgettable. He tries to add humor and lightness to the role, but he's no Harrison Ford or Chris Pratt, which is what this film desperately needed.

Chastain -- while one of my favorite recent actresses -- is sadly miscast here. Not only does she seem too old for the part (and her accent is pretty awful), but her "badass warrior with a heart" characterization is old news, and is reduced to a lot of spinning swords and shoving them in their holsters with a grimace. There isn't enough to her character to make it worth Chastain's time, and she comes off as more annoying than heroic.

Don't get me started with the dwarves, either. While the actors embodying them are all good, one wonders why the Little People of the acting world aren't pissed off to be passed over for regular size people taking their roles. Not to mention, there was constant talk of the dwarves being ugly, etc., which sort of smacked as being nanosophobic.

The bigger problem is a script that utilizes every single clich� from any fantasy epic of the last thirty years. What starts out as a live action darker version of "Frozen" becomes "Game of Thrones"-lite, then morphs into "Lord of the Rings," and then, finally, "Willow." Not one plot point in the film is surprising, which results in a 114-minute film that feels far longer.

The saving graces are the special effects, art direction, costumes and cinematography. So while the whole film looks pricey, and there's never a lack of spectacle, it just all feels sort of silly. I actually liked Kristen Stewart's turn as a bad-ass in the last installment, and oddly enough her presence is missed here. The narrative calls for her character to actually be a part of the film, but everyone just talks about her. "Snow White wants you to find the mirror." "Snow White is happy with what you've done." But where the hell is she? For a film that takes place entirely in her kingdom, her absence is felt.

Maybe that's the problem. With a film that's not solely a prequel or a sequel, it feels off in many ways that it's hard to even pinpoint what to say about it. For sheer spectacle and for Blunt, it's a matinee that'll pass the time. For an installment in a potential franchise, it thaws pretty quickly.