What a Breeze: 5 Essentials for Enjoying Your Carnival Cruise

Ah, remember the days when cruising involved late-night trysts in a public park or frolicking by the garbage dumpster after a shift at your minimum wage high school job (or maybe that was just me)? Times they are a-changin'. Cruising as we once knew it is virtually extinct -- replaced by mind-blurring apps that will make your thumbs go numb from swiping left or right.

But for those who want to go old school, there's another kind of cruising where you can find plenty of kicks. Albeit most of them will be rated PG-13, but seek and ye shall find if you know where to look. I recently sailed on the Carnival Breeze and discovered a few tricks of the trade to make for smooth waters.

Spend to Strategize

Founded in 1972, Carnival Cruise Lines is the world's largest cruise line and for some years had the reputation for a budget-friendly frat party (not necessarily a bad thing, depending on what you're looking for). Since its inception, more than 60 million passengers have sailed Carnival, so they must be doing something right.

While it's still comparatively affordable, Carnival has classed up its act but still maintains its "fun times." The key? Strategize your destination and departure date. Jenn Quillen, a.k.a. lifestyle and travel blogger The Rebel Chick, says to be smart about the when and where.

If you're traveling out of Miami or Fort Lauderdale in the spring, expect to be inundating with rowdy college students. Taking advantage of summer deals? There will be gaggles of kids on board. I traveled on a Caribbean itinerary in late February, and while there were lots of intergenerational families, I didn't feel like I was trapped in daycare.

FTTF or WTF?

The Carnival Breeze can accommodate up to 3,690 passengers (along with 1,386 crewmembers). That's a lot of bodies to get onboard, not to mention luggage. So who wants to wait in line when you could be cozying up to the bar for a frozen daiquiri? Carnival's Faster to the Fun (FTTF) program is priced $49.95 to $59.95 per cabin, and includes express boarding, priority tender service from ship to shore, and late disembarkation to savor your last moments on board.

The same goes for onboard boozing. Drinks add up quickly when you're at sea. Purchase prior to cruise and it'll cost you $49.95 per day plus 15 percent gratuity. Wait to do it on board and it jumps to $54.95 per day and if you're departing from Texas or New York, you'll have to wait until the second day due to state liquor laws. I witnessed several thrifty passengers who had gone rogue and brought their own liquor and sippy cups on board.

To Eat or Not to Eat... That is the Question

As with any cruise, you won't go hungry on the Carnival Breeze, but "where" is just as important as "when." The rose-tinted Blush dining room or the luminescent Sapphire dining room play host to multicourse meals with attentive servers and the occasional floor show, which may remind you of a tacky wedding reception but it's all in good fun. The real grub is at the various specialty restaurants peppered throughout the ship.

My guiltiest pleasure was at Guy's Burger Joint, the at-sea outpost of Food Network personality Guy Fieri. Available on 13 ships in Carnival's fleet, the burgers are seared on a flattop grill, slathered in butter, and topped with whatever hearburn-inducing toppings you'd like to pile on top. But my favorite secret find, tucked away at the ship's stern, is Tandoor. This Indian buffet sees little traffic besides the crew, who delight in executive chef Joaquim Dias' scrumptious offerings that include tandoori chicken, dal, chutney, and freshly baked naan bread cooked to perfection in the 1,000-degree clay oven.

From the premium options (a.k.a not included in your meal plan), forgo Cucino del Capitano -- a pale attempt at classic Italian fare -- and instead, opt for Steakhouse, which serves premium cuts of beef (along with lobster and other high-end menu items) in an elegant dining room. I also made several visits to Bonsai Sushi for surprisingly affordable sushi, sashimi, rolls, and other Japanese delicacies.

That's Entertainment

Carnival offers requisite revue shows, where you'll see twenty-something singer/dancers from around the world strutting their stuff to Motown, Latin rhythms, and diva favorites. They're an enthusiastic bunch in spite of wigs that are in desperate need of some TLC from some of RuPaul's crew. Live bands, karaoke and trivia contests abound, but don't expect the piano bar to be a reincarnation of Marie's Crisis showtune sing-along New York City. It's more Howl at the Moon with classics by Billy Joel and Rupert Holmes.

Consider timing your trip with Carnival LIVE, a unique opportunity to see A-list (or D-list if you count Kathy Griffin!) comedians and musicians for exclusive on-board concerts. I caught Griffin's act, and she delivered her spicy brand of no-nonsense humor, making cracks about Anderson Cooper's spray tan and how her mother thinks Caitlyn Jenner has transitioned back to Bruce when she sees reruns of "I Am Cait."

On Again, Off Again

Carnival Cruise Lines travels to ten regions ranging from the Caribbean to Australia. For most, a convenient and affordable Caribbean getaway is accessible in terms of locale and budget. My cruise hit Falmouth, Grand Cayman and Cozumel. All of these ports cater to tourists and it's easy to get caught in the undertow of group travel where you may find yourself on a bus packed with your fellow passengers en route to an all-inclusive adventure park or beach club. If you want to keep it easy, these are great options, or you can go solo.

In Cozumel, you can dine like a local on Cozumel Chef Food Tours, where you'll visit a traditional Mexican market and sample authentic dishes such as quesadillas prepared with handmade corn tortillas and Oaxacan cheese ($80/per person).

In Jamaica -- long known for being intolerant of the LGBT community -- I hopped in a taxi with friends I made onboard and we headed to Burwood Beach. It was $20 round-trip from the ship plus a $5 entry fee, though technically it's a public beach. There were only a handful of us on the deserted stretch of sand until a group of locals kicked up a soccer game. This made for frequent visits from the local drug dealer, peddling sweet-smelling bundles of marijuana and enough beaded jewelry to open a gift shop at my yoga studio back home.

There was a lot of talk from the seller of the Jamaican people's free-loving spirit but I got the sense that it was more about commerce. It was the only authentic exchange I had with locals throughout the trip.

Back on board, I briefly dabbled in the apps that have become synonymous with meeting guys in our community. But being a moving target, the only matches I got were on Guantanamo Bay and I surely wasn't going to jump ship for that. Once I let go of technology, I managed to give myself over to the cruise ship experience: copious cocktails, lots of laughter, and new friends.