EDGE Interview: Seeking Sacred Intimacy with Don Shewey

Don Shewey embraces being called a "pleasure activist" in the most sincere and genuine way: Not from a place of hedonism, but, rather, defiantly healthful connection that is physical, intellectual, and erotic.

A sometime contributor to EDGE and the author of several books – most recently "The Paradox of Porn," in which he examined the uses, pitfalls, and potential of sexually explicit literature and imagery – Shewey brings the same mix of intimate anecdote and clinical clarity to his new book, "Daddy, Lover, God: A Sacred Intimate Journey" that he's employed in earlier work. He talks about his early exploration of erotic bodywork (slings and leather gear play a part on occasion) and the roots of his interest in that therapeutic modality (a religious upbringing that included plenty of shame), as well as describing in explicit detail how he learned to celebrate his own sexuality. But he also brings a sense of empathy to his accounts of the men he's worked with, and the needs that brought them to his therapeutic space.

Overall, the book gives the impression that Shewey has been practicing Sacred Intimate bodywork since before he learned how to do it from Joseph Kramer, a founder of erotic bodywork as a serious therapeutic modality. (If you've attended a Body Electric workshop, you've experienced some of Kramer's contributions.) For Shewey, Sacred Intimate work is a vocation.

But what, exactly, is Sacred Intimate bodywork? It's a little bit like porn, actually; it can take many forms, some of them challenging and some innocuous, but once you know what it is, you know it when you see it. As to why it's important, that can only be addressed by the individual who offers or receives it. Internalized homophobia, shame, sexual trauma, the deforming rigors of the closet, and so many other forms of sexual violence perpetrated by a sex-hostile, homophobic culture continue to leave generations of men wounded, silenced, and suffering. Like so much about gay culture that looks frivolous or indulgent to outsiders, Sacred Intimate work is essentially a form of healing that starts with learning to acknowledge the power of touch, and to offer and receive that touch in a setting of acceptance and safety.

Full disclosure: I've studied Sacred Intimate bodywork with Shewey as an instructor and mentor. Reading "Daddy, Lover, God" felt like taking one of his workshops, and catching up with him was, aside from being a chance to hear from an old friend, a master class in the modality.

EDGE: Why write a memoir now, and why the focus on your career as a Sacred Intimate practitioner?

Don Shewey: I wrote most of the book when I first started [practicing Sacred Intimate bodywork]. I started writing to understand and process my experiences with clients, and it generated some good writing. I tried to get it published back then, but for various reasons mainstream publishers didn't go for it. So, I put it away for a while and let it marinate.

It was only after I published "The Paradox of Porn" that I thought, "Hmm, in a certain way, 'Daddy, Lover, God' is a kind of companion book to 'The Paradox of Porn'." I was happy with the manuscript that I came up with, and the time seemed right to bring it out.

EDGE: You describe a transition from doing work that you characterize as sex work to something in which there's not a sexual exchange, but it is still meant to help people connect with their erotic selves.

Don Shewey: I'm not sure if it's a transition as much as a continuum. Sex work and sexual healing work can look a lot of different ways, and it's all conceivably valuable and important. What I've learned from doing this work for 25, 30 years now is that, like any kind of therapy or counseling, every person is an individual; it's not like a carwash, where everybody gets the same experience. Sacred Intimacy is erotic massage plus X, and the X is different for each person. It's my job is to figure out what that X is.

EDGE: In my (admittedly limited) experience with Sacred Intimacy, the most rewarding and moving exchanges have been with people who just wanted to tell their stories.

Don Shewey: People want to be seen; people want to be known, want to be held. Especially around sexuality, society teaches us to keep a lot of those details out of consciousness. We all have secrets and concerns and fears and desires and fantasies and histories. It's not always safe to share those things. You need a non-judgmental environment and a sympathetic ear, and it really helps to work with someone who accepts your experiences.

EDGE: Joseph Kramer was influenced by Wilhelm Reich. Now, Reich also happened to be instrumental in influencing the founder of the massage school I went to, but the directions in which Kramer and my school went are totally different.

Don Shewey: Reich is a very interesting character. He went through a kind of theoretical evolution in his thinking and in his work, and so where he started out is not where he ended up. There are many modalities that call themselves Reichian, or Reich-based, that can be very different [from each other]. Probably your school related to Reich's idea of energy work and emotional armor, and working through those things. That's a concept that a lot of modalities use.

EDGE: Exactly.

Don Shewey: In the '60s, a lot of Reichian work did not shy away from erotic energy. People would not necessarily be sexual with the practitioners, but they'd be stripping down to their underwear and allowing erotic energy to flow. But that takes a strong container, and that's the most important thing.

EDGE: You choose now days to work in a clothed state, without shared touching between provider and recipient, which is interesting because I learned that both parties should be similarly undressed – or dressed – so that there isn't a power differential.

Don Shewey: I went through evolutions of being happy to go to work naked, then wanting to stay dressed, but one of the things about being a skilled practitioner is really tuning into what's beneficial for the client. And in fact, Joseph Kramer, after the Body Electric school, went on to create a modality called Sexological Bodywork that is state certified in California as a profession. It's very much based on one-way touch.

In the work that I do, sometimes it's important to break down those barriers, and it's important to the client for there to be a kind of exchange. They get to decide, and also the practitioner gets to decide. There are some people I would not get undressed with because I don't feel safe, or it doesn't seem like that would take the work in the direction I think it should go.

EDGE: I love how you point out the quote, "Sexiness is close to godliness" – the message being that sex and sexuality can be prayerful.

Don Shewey: That's the inspiration I took from Joseph Kramer, who was raised Catholic and trained as a Jesuit, and brought a lot of religious background to his work. He was very intent on very specifically healing the split between sexuality and spirituality in our culture. He used that language, and it resonated with me emotionally [and] experientially. There's an evolving Body Electric community who are drawn to that. It's not a mainstream thing, but it is an approach to sexuality that there's increasing receptivity to.

EDGE: The book is drawn from what you were writing at the time, but you also write from your present-day perspective, interjecting your current thoughts. What sort of growth have you noticed in yourself that you attribute to Sacred Intimate work?

Don Shewey: I don't know if there are things that I can concretely point to, except to say that the appendix to the book is the complete transcript of a long interview I did with Joseph Kramer in 1990, which is the first time I'd ever heard – and, I think, the first time he had ever articulated – this notion of Sacred Intimacy. Just the way he described it called out to me as a vocation, the way someone [feels called to] being a marine biologist or someone [feels called to] serve Ayahuasca. It's not something that everyone wants to do, but [if you are called to the work] you feel, "Oh, this resonates with me. I feel myself calling out."

Doing Sacred Intimate work, applying my intelligence and my physical self and my spiritual practice to this notion of sexuality as a healing practice and a path to self-knowledge, just seemed so real and so important. I feel like I've lived into my destiny. I'm someone who, I think, in my community and professional work, is seen as a resource; someone who holds that knowledge. That didn't happen overnight, and it didn't happen all at once. But that's been the kind of progress [doing this work has allowed me].

"Daddy, Lover, God: A Sacred Intimate Journey" is available now.