The 'Praise Kink' Fetish is all the Rage. We'll be a Good Boy and Break it Down for You.

"Oh yeahhhh, you're such a good boy."

If you're a gay guy, there might be a chance you've heard a similar phrase at some point in your life...and we're not talking about what you say to your dog when he sits on command, nor what you heard from your mom in high school when you voluntarily cleared the dishes after dinner.

When you're in the bedroom, and have transformed from being an actual "boy" into manhood, the phrase takes on a completely different meaning. It's called a "praise kink," and it's a fetish that's been in the gay community for ages, but has gained in popularity over the last year with the help of TikTok.

Simply put, a "praise kink" encompasses being turned on by compliments, affirmation, general praise, or positive feedback before or during sex, and is sometimes mixed with other BDSM practices.

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@joboboman
♬ For The First Time In Forever ft. Nicki Minaj - imjisoofr

We're pretty aware that most well-adjusted people like receiving compliments, even if they sometimes illicit physiological responses in the body, such as blushing in the cheeks. With a praise kink, however, you can experience physical responses in other...areas...including those involved with sexual arousal.

With more than 513 million views on TikTok under the hashtag #praisekink, the phenomenon has been in the spotlight like never before. That's because, as psychologist and certified intimacy coach Dr. Jacqueline Sherman explained to Bustle.com, "Many social media users may have not realized they have praise kink tendencies until they saw it defined by others via social media, which left them feeling really seen."

When guys post about their experiences with "praise kink," it inspires a whole slew of guys to see what all the fuss is about.

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♬ Whisper open verse by Able Heart - ableheart

Even beyond TikTok, there are entire categories devoted to "praise kink" on adult sites like Pornhub, and Google Trends shows that from April 2021 onward, searches for the phrase have skyrocketed. Considering the state of the world the last few years, it's not surprising that people are looking for a little positive boost!

So how exactly does this look in the world of sexually active gay men?

For one thing, guys are moving away from rough and demanding commands during sex, replacing them with remarks of admiration, acclaim, and flattery.

Think, "You're so good at that," instead of, "Choke on it."

Rather than, "take that big c*ck!" guys are giving more, "You're taking that sooooo sooo well."

For others, a gentle coaxing and assuring that their partner is doing something "correctly" is replacing harsh critiques to do something harder, faster, or better.

To see how this might be showing up in my own inner circle, I spoke to a couple friends to get their thoughts on the matter. One 24-year-old gay man, who chose to remain anonymous, told me that he doesn't like being called a "dirty little whore," but instead prefers, "good little whore" (but assured me he has no judgment for those who do!). Just a slight modification in lexicon can make all the difference, he reports.

According to an article from IndividualMatters.org, a psychological and educational services publication, "Genuine compliments and positive recognition improve our moods, inspire cooperation and hard work, and increase motivation."

When you receive compliments, dopamine gets released in the brain, making you feel good. So, being told you're "handling that rod so well" literally produces a chemical reaction in the brain akin to being high, making you get even more into it, benefiting all parties involved.

@chrawrlie TELL. ME. I'M. GOOD. @Leo #gay #gayteen #leoalexandertwi #bi #lgbtq #gaytiktok #tiktokgay #gaydating ♬ original sound - It's Always Sunny

In fact, the article says that, "even the anticipation of a reward raises dopamine levels. In other words, just the expectation of the feeling creates the same effect as experiencing it. Because praise feels good, people will repeat whatever action invited it. The desire for another dopamine release leads them to continue the behavior and habits that initially earned them the compliment. Thus, praise is an example of positive reinforcement - a technique for getting more of a desired behavior."

It's no wonder porn scenes with a dom guy giving praise to his eager subordinate seem to go on and on and on...

If you're not exactly a "talker," don't fret, experts say praise does not necessarily have to be verbal, but can come in the form of positive groans or moans, where you feel as if you are responsible for making your partner satisfied through your actions.

From my own psychological perspective as a licensed therapist, it's logical to me that people like praise, because it gives you the feeling of being needed or wanted during a sexual act, rather than feeling used. In a post-pandemic society, where we're finally coming back together and appreciating being with each other more, this makes a lot of sense.

Not only that, but licensed psychologist and sex expert Dr. Kate Balestrieri also tells Bustle, "For some, earning praise and recognition can help to satisfy emotional cravings that they may be missing in their life outside of the bedroom".

In other words, if you're feeling unappreciated by your family, your friends, and at your job, being appreciated in the bedroom can certainly help compensate for that.

A lot of this aligns with similar tenants in the BDSM world. If a sub is allowed to simply surrender to their environment, without the pressures of being told what they must do and when they should do it, they can finally relax into an erotic experience.

Being praised, honored, and complimented during sex can be part of what gives guys the freedom to release expectations they put on themselves during a sexual encounter. It's inviting, rather than distancing.

All in all, sex trends come and go, but we're hoping this warm and fuzzy wave of positivity sticks around. Thanks, TikTok for spreading the love! You're doing "suuuuch a good good job."

Jake Myers is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist based in Los Angeles, Calif.