Gay Twitter Round-Up: 'Very Demure,' the Funniest TikToks, and 'Umami' Foreskin

X (formerly Twitter) is the gift that keeps on giving. We scroll and we scroll, and it gives and gives. Sometimes, the app gives us jokes that become part of our everyday language, sometimes it sparks a passionate thirst for a hot celeb you had not been aware existed five minutes before you picked up your phone. Sometimes, the app provides an ongoing deep-dive into celebrity gossip that will captivate millions of minds for an entire week. And very often, it delivers videos that make you laugh out loud no matter how many times you've seen them before. We've got all this and so much more in this week's Twitter round-up. Let's get into it!

In this week's gay news: Pets are doing the "Apple" dance; we're hating on Joaquin Phoenix; someone's done the important work of translating straight male phrases into more recognizable forms; and we can't stop watching the video of this guy doing the hardest "Hot to Go" dance of all time.

Have you listened to "Die With A Smile" yet? Have you seen the video? There are people on X who say the song may bring us world peace. "Children will be singing this song at graduations, at weddings.. at FUNERALS", they're saying, and it's been noted that, when sitting alongside the 2-minute long snacks of songs we've been offered from some of the girls lately, we must give thanks for Bruno Mars and Gaga who said to us, "Come here, my child, you need a full meal. You need a ballad that exceeds four minutes." And delivered!!

Let's dive into our faves from the "very demure" trend that has swept the nation! What does a demure train ride look like when you're sitting between two hot men with their thighs spread comfortably? Why has this person cursed our eyes with a demure version of Brat album cover? Will we ever be able to see Shawn Mendes or this iconic photo of Dwight D. Eisenhower without thinking "very demure, very mindful." The 'D' in the former president's name may once have been for 'Diva', but life happens fast, and this week it definitely stands for 'Demure'.

And for those of you who are (understandably) sick of seeing the word 'demure' all over your timeline on every social media platform, know that you can at least be glad that it's done some real queer good. The woman who made the viral video sharing the advice, Jools Lebron, has shared that with the success of her video, she can now afford to fund the rest of her transition. If learning this news means that every silly little "very mindful" caption suddenly doesn't bother you anymore, we'd understand that, too.

While it may feel that everyone was being demure and cutesy online this week, things were still very much horny. From watching videos of gymnasts training to making a collage of Taylor Swift's arms, gay X will always have something to thirst over. We can, sadly, confirm that the phrase "the natural umami taste of foreskin" cannot be cleansed from your mind or your soul. All we can do now is make peace with its existence in our world. This truth holds just as firmly for "Baby... that's the governor." And we simply must acknowledge that the (shocking and inappropriate in the video, but hilarious out of context) lyrics "In my notes app, I write: I need dick from a guy who's bi" is a banger.

What's the TikTok that makes you laugh just remembering it? You know, the one you've got saved in your phone for emotional moments, when you need a distraction. The video you always stop to watch when it crosses your timeline, which –even after the twentieth watch– still makes you laugh out loud? Is it the man who "contaminated the crime scene" with glitter after he used his healing monk powers on an actual dead body he found while LARPing in a park? Is it the sorority girl defending her gay best friend when he's being kicked out of her boyfriend's frat party? Is it the guy who acts like he's an influencer while filming in the car with his friend –who barks out an unforgettable, utterly contagious laugh in surprise?

Behold, we present them all (and more!) for your enjoyment:

Finally, there are tweets that carve such a specific and indescribable niche sentiment into your brain that they've changed the concept of something previously unremarkable forever. Suddenly election interviews are the Variety's Actors on Actors series, seeing a dinner table at a furniture store will forevermore inspire impromptu dramatic monologues, access to HRT is access to gender that was behind a paywall, and we're rewriting history to include Ebenezer Cruise!