Judy Tenuta, Carnival Queen

Get ready, pigs! Comedy legend and love goddess Judy Tenuta is the featured act at this year's Carnival Week in Provincetown. Tenuta will serve as Grand Marshall of the Aug. 17 parade, and will rock Town Hall on Aug. 18 with her sassy act. You remember Tenuta: she's the "petite flower" with a big mouth, decked out in glamorous gowns and her trademark accordion. She's known for her outrageous stage persona, and she backs it up with some clever material. But in a phone interview with Bay Windows, the goddess couldn't have been sweeter. At times she got downright giggly as we chatted about comedy, celebutantes, and the boys of summer.

Q: I'm glad we have this chance to reconnect. Because you once rode me like a donkey on stage, and not many people can say that.
A: I bet you've never recovered!

Q: My back has never recovered.
A: Did I hurt you, honey?

Q: No, I'm just teasing. It was a high point of my college years.
A: Of course! The goddess would never hurt you. Do you mind if I eat my energy shake while we talk?

Q: Is that what we're calling it?
A: Okay, it's crack with whipped cream. You got me. And then I have to go pick up Lindsay Blowhan from rehab. And Pariside Hilton. What's going on with that bitch? She found God all of a sudden?

Q: In her cellmate, probably.
A: Ooh, that's awesome. You couldn't think of any better publicity. It's so unfair, someone with so little talent getting so much exposure.

Q: So you're going to play Carnival. It's been a while since you were in Provincetown, right?
A: Let's see, I was there in '94 or '95. I remember because right before I went on stage they told me that Michael Jackson just married Lisa Marie Presley. I thought they were trying to give me material, and they were like, no really! They showed me the paper and everything. And I did a show at Town Hall in August of 2001. I remember that because, one more month and I could have been on one of those planes. You know, you look back and think of that. Anyway, I'm looking forward to this. We have to start planning my outfit honey!

Q: Right, it could be a tough crowd. They can be judgmental.
A: You do not judge Judy!

Q: I'm sorry.
A: That's right!

Q: So how can your minions prepare for you?
A: They have to be worshipful and sassy. And of course it's always good if they bring me little trinkets. The gay men often bring me little offerings. I'm not saying they have to, but it's nice.

Q: What about the ladies, do they bring you goodies?
A: The lesbetarians! Oh my God. They always come up to me and ask, "Would you like to ride on my cycle?" Like yay, the dykes for Jesus are here!

Q: Now tell the truth, have you ever run your fingers through a mullet, shall we say?
A: What are you talking about, a woman?

Q: Yeah, has there ever been any girl-on-goddess action?
A: One time I was doing a show in Seattle - you know, there's weird people up there anyway - so I'm doing a joke and this girl just comes up onstage and kisses me on the mouth! She really plants one on me! I said, that joke never got such a good response before. I guess that turns lesbetarians on.

Q: Wit is sexy. You encourage your fans to be worshipful and nutty, have other people ever taken it too far?
A: Actually, I love it. Don't get me wrong. That time was just so unexpected! But I kept my cool because I'm the goddess. Then five minutes later I go, "Can you believe that bitch just kissed me?" And she was really cute. See, I usually get the dykasauruses who say, "I'm ready to break you in!" Thank you, Whitey Ford, but if I'm going to go that way I want someone hot! I'm sorry, I sound like a sexist man, but ... you like hot, cute guys, right? So do I! And I deserve it, I'm a hot goddess!

Q: So, seeing as how you're a petite flower of heterosexuality, why are the gays so taken with you?
A: Because I'm larger than life, and I always stand up for gay rights. I want my lesbetarians and studsicles to have the right to get married. If they want to be as miserable as I once was, they deserve that right. And also, they're such fun and I love them. Maybe they know that. So my show for a gay audience is a little different than with straight people who are like, "Oh Judy, please don't talk that way. I go to vacation Bible school. I have a potholder in the shape of baby Jesus." Whereas in the gay community, they're like, "Yeah, girl, rock it out! Let's have a party in our pants!" Oh, and you know what? I do gay pride shows, and there will always be a bunch of lesbetarians up front, and at some point they always show me their boobies! It's dykes gone wild! It's hysterical.

Q: They're trying to convert you.
A: I don't know, they're just enjoying the show.

Q: Sure, you probably do that yourself. Like if you go to a movie and you like it, you would probably lift your top.
A: Oh yeah, all the time! No, I'm usually the last act, so they've been drinking all day.

Q: Speaking of movies, I had a pleasant surprise watching Flirting with Anthony and you were in it!
A: Oh my God, I never even saw it. Tell me what happened.

Q: I was hoping you could tell me what happened. I didn't understand it. But you were good in it.
A: I forgot what I did in it.

Q: You were a born again motel owner.
A: Yes! Was I fucked up or what?

Q: I wondered if you were ad-libbing it.
A: Oh yeah, I was. They didn't write lines. Was my part funny?

Q: Definitely a highlight of the movie.
A: I had fun. I got to be goofy. So is it out now? Can I rent it?

Q: Didn't they send you a copy? You should demand one.
A: Oh, that was quite a while ago. I probably don't have the number anymore. Oh man, I want to see that. Let me write that down. Isn't this hilarious, that you have to tell me this? I bet I can Google it.

Q: You know, I'll check YouTube right now.
A: I love it! I'm surfing YouTube with Brian! Ooh, look for me doing the weather in Columbus, Ohio. It's so funny.

Q: Hm, nothing on Flirting with Anthony on YouTube. I'll search for you now. Aha, here's the weather clip.
A: Okay, watch it! Can you watch it while we talk?

Q: Isn't that boring for you?
A: No, I love it. It's fun talking to you, you're a studsicle. Are you about six feet tall? And do you have sandy brown hair?

Q: Fairly accurate. There you are with your accordion. You're having trouble with the green screen.
A: Just watch, I won't interrupt you.

Q: I'd rather go on talking to you. I like where this conversation is going, with you asking what I look like. What are you wearing?
A: You caught me coming out of the pool. I'm wearing a gold thong bikini!

Q: Hot!
A: You know what I found out? Gay men love breasts. They tell me I have great breasts. Does that mean I have to breastfeed?

Q: I think all men like breasts. Here's your Mountain Girl video. Are you ever going to bring Mountain Girl: The Musical here?
A: I would have to bring my other actors. This week I'm going to Ohio and I'm performing it there. But you know, the gay pride thing, which I'm going to do in P'town, that's more like me having a personal dialogue with the audience.

Q: Everyone thinks of you as a standup, and of course you're a great standup, but I don't know if people realize how much TV and film you've done.
A: You think it's that much? Oh, I need to add Flirting With Anthony to my reel. I have to call my web guy, he can put it on my site. Now tell the goddess, because I'm the love goddess - and I'm husband hunting! I kicked my ex-crement to the curb a couple years ago, and since then I've been power dating.

Q: What does that involve?
A: Just dating trolls for two minutes. It's like I was a gay man! Come on, you know it's true! But you have to tell me, because the goddess gives excellent advice to people about their love life, so if you have any questions ... now in my own life I have to ask other people, because I'm not objective about me.

Q: So should we swap advice?
A: Oh, I love that! Let's swap advice! I just went out with a great oak - he's like 6'3" and built like a linebacker. I always date younger guys because I'm a goddess and I deserve it. I don't want some old trout. We don't want old trouts, okay? But not too young. Sometimes I have some 20-year-old come up to me and I'm like, "Excuse me toad, go back to day care, okay?" Now what about you?

Q: The only question about my love life is, where is it?
A: Oh, I know honey. It's hard to find someone. You know what I found out about me? I'm overqualified! I'm overqualified to be any mortal swine's girlfriend. So now I need some hot lesbetarians and some cute guys to worship me.

Q: I think you'll get all that and more in P'town.
A: I can't wait! You know, honestly, I talk to my gay guy friends and they have the same problem. It's hard to A: find someone to pay for valet and B: who calls when he says he'll call. I'm a goddess, I do not sit by the phone and wait for some trout to call. When someone says they're going to call and they don't call, they're off the list.

Q: Right on.
A: Don't you think so? So you have a nice second date with some cute guy you like, you went bowling or whatever - you don't like bowling? What's your idea of a second date?

Q: I don't know, maybe a movie.
A: Yeah, but I like doing something active like bowling. I wait on a movie, because what if the pig tries to hold my hand and I don't want him to? Anyway, say you have a great second date and they say they'll call tomorrow and they don't call you? But they send an email. That's not good enough, is it?

Q: No, but I guess it's better than nothing at all. Why did he just send an email?
A: I think he knows he's underqualified. He's just a guy. I need a George Clooney type.

Q: You need to get out there in Hollywood. You should dominate the media.
A: I think I should do a fun movie with Jennifer Tilly.

Q: Oh my God, I would love that.
A: That's what I need, a cult movie. Did you see my movie Desperation Boulevard?

Q: I didn't.
A: Oh, honey! Oh, you have to see it. It's so fun.

Q: I will. Okay, I have a game. I'll say the names of some of your costars and you say whatever comes to mind.
A: I love it!

Q: Weird Al Yankovic.
He is the best. A sweetheart, a great musician, very fun ... he's been nothing but a prince. I love him. Nobody can touch what he does. I was in his latest video.

Q: And Seth Green was in that, what about him?
A: Every time I've met him he's been very sweet. Do you know where I've met the most actors? At the Playboy Mansion! I was there for Hef's 80th birthday. Let me tell you, it's all 900-year-old Shriners and 13-year-old girls. The best part is, the women are all into me! Bill Maher said to me, "Why are all these young girls all over you?" I'm like, "Well at least I'm cuter than you, Jiminy Cricket!" But he's brilliant, I love his show.

Q: How about Hillary Duff?
A: Another sweetheart. I hate to keep doing this, but it's true. First of all, she's like a little china doll. Beautiful, just beautiful, and very well mannered. Now she was only 17 when we did that movie. That girl is younger than people think. But then she had the boyfriend, Joel Madden, who's now with that slut Nicole Ritchie. It broke her poor heart.

Q: That's kind of a slap, to be dumped for her.
A: You know who I feel bad for? Jennifer Aniston. She can't ever turn on the TV or pick up a newspaper without hearing about Brangelina popping out another one.

Q: I thought you'd have more scandalous things to say.
A: Let's make up bad things then. Weird Al tried to eat all of my Red Vines! And that Joel Madden turned into a real pig. If he wants floss, why doesn't he go to the dentist? Come on, he can't even hold on to her!

Q: Maybe everyone is on good behavior around you. They fear your wrath.
A: Hello! One time Luther Vandross said to me, "Girl, I do not want to get on your bad side!" And then we both started laughing. Oh, Sonny Bono got mad at me once because I wore a Cher outfit.

Q: Well let me ask you something more serious. You've been in the business a while, you experienced the big stand-up boom-
A: It was so much fun! All those great comics ... Steven Wright, Sam Kinison, Rita Rudner, Paula Poundstone ...

Q: So how has the stand-up world changed over the years?
A: Well I'm glad I came out when I did. That sounds good for a gay paper, huh? Because it was a golden age. Now you see so many contests. America's Most Drunken Comic Mom. It saturates the market with people who are just going up for a contest instead of perfecting a craft. It becomes about three tight minutes instead of a body of work.

Q: I'm glad you're coming to show us how it's done.
A: Me too! What am I going to wear?

: Well, it's Carnival...
A: Oooh! I'm all excited! This is what happens when you put crack in your energy drink. I forgot to tell you something about my ex-crement. He said I should try to find someone who wants what I want. I said, but that's what broke us up. We both wanted a hot Korean boy! And of course he went for me, not my ex's flabby ass. I was with this piece of crap who lived off me for 10 years, and he had a flabby ass! He's living in a cardboard box now.

Q: I don't want to get on your bad side either.
A: Yeah, you don't do anything to trespass the goddess. Because I'm not only a goddess. I'm a Scorpio and I'm Italian.

Q: Thanks so much for speaking with me. I'll see you at Carnival!
A: Thank you, this was fun! Did you get enough information?

Q: You didn't tell me where to find a hot Korean boy.
A: We're going to do that together in P'town!