Gifted and challenged

Every week, Bay Windows is deluged with press releases from lazy publicists who have no idea of what we actually cover in our paper. The inappropriate pitches get downright surreal around the middle of November, as PR flacks try to push all manner of bizarre products on us as "the perfect holiday gift." After scanning through scores of these tree-wasters, we've figured out what we don't want for Christmas.

Zibra Open It

Touted as the cure for "wrap rage," this is basically a heavy duty scissors for cutting open blister packs - you know, those nearly impenetrable plastic casings that so many consumer goods are packaged in? Unfortunately, in the product photos it appears that this doodad arrives in - a blister pack! If we only had a tool to open the package, we could use the enclosed tool to open packages.

LGBT Literary Pioneers Calendar

Oh, Lambda Literary Foundation. We love you, we do, and we think a calendar that celebrates a dozen groundbreaking queer authors is a great idea. But this hot mess is a year's worth of ugly. Did you lay it out in Print Shop 2.0, or does Microsoft Publisher have an "Alumni Newsletter Circa 1990" template?

Softwrap iPod Sports Strap

This agency pitched a whole catalog of yuppie toys that even Brookstone would reject - USB-powered beverage cooler, anyone? - but it was their line of iPod accessories for jogging and the gym that really cracked us up. Not that they wouldn't make nice stocking stuffers, but the agency pitched them as Valentine's Day gifts. Nothing says love like "I want to put on headphones and run away."

Patti LaBelle Wig Collection

What a disappointment! From the once-outrageous Patti LaBelle we expected bizarre scalpsicles, towering tornado-funnel tresses, and perhaps a holiday wig that signaled to the mothership with blinking Christmas lights. Instead, we get a collection of dull do's that range from Jennifer Aniston to Florence Henderson. Patti, come on - we can't wear these to The Grammys!

Rogaine

Apparently new Rogaine Foam is the perfect product for our New Year's issue because everyone's new year resolution is to be hairier. Since we're interested in self-improvement, we took the hint and resolved to be less shallow and vain in 2008.

Gluten Free and Fabulous Products

We know that gluten sensitivity is a serious issue, and no doubt this line of snack foods is a godsend for folks with Celiac Disease or other food issues. But descriptions like "uniquely tasty" don't inspire much confidence, nor do the five exclamation points in the email's subject line. Next time, don't let Tyffani the intern write the press release.

Designer Cockring

While we come up with just the right gag about trimming the tree, check out this ad copy from Carbon Deluxe: "The nighttime is full of surprises ... and so is the jewelry. Come nighttime, the cufflinks and brooches can be transformed into sparkling breast piercing jewelry. And the bracelet becomes a cockring." Yeah, sorry, we're still speechless.