KISS 108 FM Jingle Ball 2008

The festivities were in full force at KISS 108 FM's Jingle Ball 2008, the local radio station's annual holiday roundup of the best and brightest in pop music. Without doubt, there was plenty of wattage in the lineup, including gay fave du jour Lady Gaga, "Ur so Gay" and "I Kissed a Girl" singer Katy Perry, and rumor-hounded R&B star Ne-Yo.

But however bright the star power, some of us felt a bit like amateur astronomers when it came to identifying the bodies in question. Admittedly, curmudgeonly ears like mine aren't always prime real estate for KISS, a hit music station that revels in the pop and hip hop anthems of the moment, and thus I am woefully out of touch with "what the kids are listening to." As such, I find myself, still at an age far too young for it to be acceptable, transforming slowly but surely into a stuffy archaeologist of pop culture relics who bemoans the "good ole' days" of Britney (pre-downfall, pre-comeback), Christina (pre-marital, pre-motherhood), and Justin (pre-solo, pre-pubescent ... wait, that doesn't sound so good in print).

With all this in mind, is it really appropriate for me to consider myself an acceptable arbiter of the young whippersnappers on display? Maybe not, but here's a brief rundown of the performances I observed.

David Archuleta

Due to an unfortunate bout of commuter exodus traffic, my companion and I arrived at the Tsongas Arena too late to catch opener Lady Gaga. Instead, we were treated to the menthol-cool vocal styling of David Archuleta, 17, a former American Idol runner-up. I was quite proud of myself for knowing this small slice of sonic trivia, though less so for legitimately enjoying his performance of current single, "Crush." Evidently, I was not alone: everywhere screaming throngs of suburban teenage girls paid tribute to their inoffensive, non-threatening teen idol by cloaking themselves in matching sets of jean skirts, purple leggings, oversized UGG boots and David Archuleta t-shirts. Scarier? Their moms were dressed the same way.

Hinder

It was a few years ago that this band first hit it big with their hit "Lips of an Angel," a well orchestrated, hard rock swoon fest that is perfectly suited for Monster Ballads compilations and arena audiences looking for the chance to wave their lighters. In 2008, replace Monster Ballads with NOW compilations and lighters with cell phones: the details change, but the universal appreciation for a rollicking, guitar licking sing along remains the same. And what's more, these guys sounded good: really good. But what about their tattoos, Mohawks, and eyeliner (on boys!)? Parents stirred nervously, and debated revoking that coveted "post concert trip to Applebees" if anyone "drops an F-bomb after this."

Katy Perry

After making a name for herself with novelty hits like "Ur So Gay," Katy Perry proved that she's already wearing thin after her 15 minutes in the spotlight. Though she sounded adequate, the former Christian pop-rocker's bad girl posturing was the more embarrassing performance. "When you get famous, people say a lot of things about you ... let's make one thing clear," Perry told the crowd. "I DID kiss a girl. And she was hot!" As Perry launched into her biggest hit, "I Kissed a Girl," hundreds of tweenage girls around me sang along, practically preparing to rip off their training bras in horrifying, affected displays of Girls Gone Wild faux lesbianism. Somewhere, Ellen wept. And if the musical celebration of attention whoring wasn't bad enough, Perry performed in a one-piece "sexy Santa" outfit. It's the kind of amateurish level of eroticism one would expect from those who construct naughty magnetic poetry on their fridge, or blush buying Yankee Swap "gag gifts" from the back shelf at Spencer Gifts. Oh, what a card! What will they think of next?

Kevin Rudolf

Despite the apparently ubiquitous presence of his hit "Let it Rock," neither my companion nor I had ever heard of Kevin Rudolf. Quickly recalling how cell phones with internet capability have saved my hide in more than heated bar stool debate over questionable celebrity ages, film cameo identifications and unclear lyrics to television theme songs, I called up Wikipedia from my seat to fill in the blanks: evidently, Rudolf is a hip hop and rock singer previously best known for his production work with rapper Lil Wayne. Perhaps behind-the-scenes is where Rudolf belongs. Standing rigidly behind a microphone stand, his total lack of stage presence was surpassed only by his abysmal vocals and an embarrassing white-boy MC yelping refrains of the "Yo yo yo, y'all ready for Kevin Rudolf?" variety. Looking unkempt even by the standards of grunge fashion, Rudolf inspired most of the crowd around me to take bathroom breaks and review recently received text messages. And they said there would be no intermission!

Jesse McCartney

At 21, McCartney comes across like pop's elder statesman for a crowd reared on Idol's Archuleta, and he was certainly greeted like one. Following a video montage of McCartney in various forms of Teen Beat pin-up poses, he erupted on stage clad in a Timberlake-lite ensemble of suit, sneakers and skinny tie. Having seen both perform, though, I might actually give Jesse an edge over Justin as a performer; the latter has smoother moves, to be sure, but McCartney's vocals were surprisingly strong and assured. Earnestness, not smugness, was the attitude conveyed. By the time he was belting the sorrowful hip hop ballad "It's Over," even the older generation was singing along. To my disbelief, "the kid's got talent," was the vaudevillian phrase running through my head. McCartney, who has also written hit songs for other artists (including Leona Lewis' aching "Bleeding Love") has potential for a career that will outlast his contemporaries. Judging by the cacophony of screams around me, his rabid fans didn't need me to tell them that; the youth have spoken, and in this case, they were right.

Natasha Bedingfield

Introduced by Bromance reality star and professional hot dude Brody Jenner, Bedingfield took the stage for a surprisingly quiet set. Aided by only piano and guitar, her stripped down versions of hits like "Unwritten," "Pocketful of Sunshine," "Love Like This" and "These Words," made for pristine pop, though I suspect the bare bones interpretations may have been lost on the younger set too used to the added production oomph of studio recordings and radio edits. Regardless, the emotionally charged "Soulmate" was one of the few moments in the night where pop confection made room for true human connection.

Though deadlines called and required me to leave before closing artist Ne-Yo, overall, Jingle Ball had more hits than it did misses. Granted, most of these artists have limited shelf life and it's quite likely most will be irrelevant even by the time the 2009 lineup is announced. But really, does it matter? For its intended audience, Jingle Ball 2008 was like a fabulous prom: one terribly important, exceedingly fleeting night to remember.