Kathy Griffin :: Touring Her Ass Off and Loving It

Having a conversation with Kathy Griffin is like hooking up with the best friend you never knew you had. She ignores the conventional niceties, instead launches into her favorite meme -- celebrity gossip -- without pause and a warmth that's disarming. And having a talk on the day after the Oscars, the subject was immediately Sam Smith, whose performance at the Oscars had turned his moment of triumph into one of very public humiliation, which the Internet was feeding on that afternoon.

But saying something critical of Smith immediately brought a rebuke: "It was the worst moment of my life!" Griffin said, echoing Smith. "You're just not sensitive like Sam is."

For Griffin such stories like Smiths are the fodder for her stand-up, which she currently taking to 80 cities throughout the country as part of her "Like a Boss" tour. She brings it to Foxwoods in Mashantucket, CT on Friday, March 11, followed by two performances at Boston's Wilbur Theatre on Saturday, March 12. (For full tour details, follow this link.)

But back to Sam Smith, whom Griffin acknowledges must have felt silly at his Oscar gaffe. "You know, not unlike our future president Donald Trump, he maybe didn't do the research and development he should have when he said he was the first openly gay person to win an Oscar. I don't know if he's using the same consultants as Donald Trump, I hope not. I have to say that as much as I am a Sam Smith fan and support his journey as an openly gay whatever he wants to be and a true artist, that shit is funny. You noticed that audience was like, 'Really girl. Really? You think you're the first openly gay person to have fucking anything to do with the Oscars? Please.'"

The Oscars were a bit of a sore spot for Griffin, largely because she hasn't got one (or even been asked to host). She does have two of the four awards that comprise the acronym EGOT -- two Emmys and one Grammy for 2014 Best Comedy Album for "Kathy Griffin: Calm Down Gurrl." In winning she joined Whoopi Goldberg and Lily Tomlin as the only other female comedians to ever win Grammy awards in that category. (More on this later.)

"You know I am all about breaking records. I am in the "Guinness Book of World Records" for having written and starred in the most standup comedy specials of all time male or female, alive or dead. You can look that up. So unlike my friend Sam Smith, I am not going to get in trouble for saying that. I have the plaque and the British guy flew here and everything."

But back to the Sam Smith and his Twitter spat with Oscar-winning screenwriter Dustin Lance Black. Just the mention of his name had Griffin reeling. "Don't get me started on that one. Dustin Lance Black is like one of those Anderson Cooper gays. Chicks want to fuck him. I want to fuck him. He's probably one of those opens -- you know how all you people are now open now. You're fluid. There's a lot of fluidity happening in the community. And once you've got Miley being fluid... you're like Carrie Underwood, you've crossed over. The whole LGBTQIAH2Caitlin, like every one is just crossing over."

EDGE: Should we get rid of the whole LGBTQIAH2Caitlin thing?

Kathy Griffin: Yes. And should we add a color to the flag? How many colors are there now? Is there a color named sparkle? If not, we should add sparkle. As for Caitlyn, do you know Caitlyn has her own fucking lip line at MAC? I love when celebrities do this -- she's giving portions of the proceeds to charity. It's called Finally Free. I will be wearing it at Foxwoods, not that anyone is going to care.

EDGE: Are you going to tell people you are wearing it?

Kathy Griffin: You're damn right I am. I am going to say, my name is Kathy Griffin and I am fully out panssexual who is dating Justin Lance Black and I am wearing Finally Free. Good night everybody. Good night Justin. Dustin. Whatever his name is. It's probably not his real name. It's probably a porn name.

EDGE: He did have a X-rated video up at one time...

Kathy Griffin: I know. I saw that. In the end, did it really hurt? He's got an Oscar and also gets to be a little bit Kardashian legit at the same time. And he has a 21-year old boyfriend he's engaged to. I have a boyfriend who is 18 years younger and let me tell you no one is more accepting than the gay community. So let me personally thank you because I know you are speaking of all gay men everywhere, so I want to personally thank you for being accepting of my cougar status and my being 55 -- loud and proud -- with the boyfriend who is 38 and doesn't know what hit him.

EDGE: Was it hard for you to accept your cougar status?

Kathy Griffin: No. I was cougar when I was just a fucking kitten. I have been doing this since I was a teacher at the Groundlings and Will Farrell was my student. I didn't fuck him, but who would want to? But when I was a teacher at the Groundlings, where, you know, Will Farrell is from and Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy -- that was like my day job where I taught classes. And I use to sleep with my students because when I was teacher there I was, like 32 and my students were like 24. So it was, like, eh. no big deal?

EDGE: Did you ever come in contact with any of the students you hooked up with?

Kathy Griffin: What's funny is that as I have stayed in the business being the cockroach that I am that will never go away I actually ended up one time auditioning for a student that I fucked because he was a producer on the show 'Friends.' Like I went in for a guest spot on 'Friends' and I was like, 'Hi, good to see you again... out of my bed.' But it wasn't awkward at all. He was very nice and I did get a job. I like to say that I fucked my way to the middle, but now that now I have two Emmys and a Grammy, then maybe I did fuck my way to the top. If not, I certainly got there by saying inappropriate dick jokes.

EDGE: Can we talk EGOT? You've got two Emmy awards and a Grammy, but no Tony or Oscar. Why is that?

Kathy Griffin: There's a little something called sexism and ageism in Hollywood -- perhaps you have heard of it? And I am starting a movement called #55yearoldfemalelivesmatter. And I am up against something that my male colleagues are not. And, look, I love Kevin James as much as you do. And I am sure you follow every single thing Kevin James does, because if I know the gay community they're just obsessed with Kevin James... And I have nothing against Kevin James. I know him. But Kevin James is juggling television and movie offers and when your a chick with two Emmys and a Grammy and you're over 50, you're a grinder. So I am doing 80 cities on this tour and I am having the time of my life. I sold out Carnegie Hall in November. The Foxwood people are getting to see my Carnegie Hall show, so everyone at Foxwoods, walk away from the nickel machines and put down your drink because here comes a real star!

But insofar as the O & the T, my biggest obstacle is my gender and my age. And I am out there just trying to prove that this is what happens when you don't want to be put out to pasture. I just actually emailed the head of CBS today because I came up with a sitcom idea. I am at the point in my career where I didn't even tell my agent. I'm, like, I am going to send this guy a quick email. Everybody knows me at this point. Everybody knows that I change my act every five minutes so if you come to see me at Foxwoods or in Boston you're going to see a totally different two hours than the last time you came to see me at Foxwoods or in Boston. So I sent an email to the head of CBS and I was, like, give me five minutes. That's how I roll. I don't know the other people that have the O & the T do it, but I think they have these big support teams of Judd Apatows and Lorne Michaels and networks. I have just have me and my bucket of dick jokes going town to town and writing a book and being as funny as I possibly can. I can't stop coming up with ideas. As Cher said to me, 'I can't help it. I still feel like I'm 21.'

EDGE: Are you enjoying the tour?

Kathy Griffin: I love, love, love doing it. Also I just signed a big, fancy book deal with Flatiron Books and it's coming out December 27. It's a real book -- an 80,000-word book that's called 'Kathy Griffin's Celebrity Index A to Z,' and I am working on that, and I am touring my ass off and I love it.

One of the reasons I love to do stand-up is that it gives me the opportunity that honestly every time an idea comes to my head that I think is funny I am probably on a plane to either the Mark Taper Forum in Los Angeles or a casino in Mississippi or the Wilbur Theatre in Boston or Foxwoods or Symphony Hall in Atlanta. I love this tour because I am going everywhere in all these different types of venues. But what I am really loving is that I like the pressure of 80 cities because it lets me change my material as much as I feel like.

Look, you and I are talking on Super Tuesday which could be old news by Foxwood, but certainly not this election year, which is the perfect landscape for comedy. And also people are so fucking touchy. I love it. I am having more people storm out of my show than ever before. It's easier than ever to offend people. And I think I am getting worse because I am still that little kid where if you dare me to something I do it even though it is not in my best interest. So the more people get offended by at a simple joke about Donald Trump, the more I tell them. And Donald Trump -- I have known him for 15 years -- so I bring that to the table. I am not going to tell a run-of-a-mill Donald Trump story. I am going to tell you about the time Donald Trump drove me and Liza Minnelli around his golf course in a golf cart. Incredible!

You're not going to get that from Kevin Hart or Kevin James or Sam Smith, for that matter. I do think Sam Smith would want to be a golf cart with Liza, but I don't think he would want Donald Trump to be driving, and by the way neither did I; but if I say that someone will leave in a huff. And I welcome that. If you come to a Kathy Griffin show, you know I am going to curse. So leave the kids at home and get ready to hear whatever people are talking about. Get ready to hear my personal stories about every Kardashian and every Presidential nominee. I haven't met all of them, but I have met a bunch of them. I don't tell airline peanut jokes. This is what I bring to the table. For instance, I will talk about what happened the last time I met Taylor Swift.

EDGE: Which was?

Kathy Griffin: You know, I haven't been able to win her over. I made a joke at her expense, I admit it. She was with her girl squad. That made me nervous - it took me back to Catholic grade school when I was nervous about getting jumped. And her girl squad was standing outside the bathroom at the Beverly Hilton and I actually had to hold my pee. I was afraid to go to the bathroom because I was afraid that girl squad would kick my ass right there outside the bathroom. I don't want to be beat up by Cara Delevingne!

Kathy Griffin appears at Foxwoods in Mashantucket, CT on Friday, March 11 and the Wilbur Theatre in Boston, MA on Saturday, March 12. For Foxwood tickets For further dates and more information on Kathy Griffin" s="" "Like="" A="" Boss"="" Tour="" visit="" visit her website.